Stories from Co-owners: How we found a way to stay close in Toronto

READY, STEADY, GO!

Our journey to co-ownership with our son and daughter-in-law.

Six years ago, we bought a house with our son and daughter-in-law, and sold the house we’d lived in for over 40 years. This is the story of how we did it.

We’d been ready to downsize for several years, but we didn’t want to live in a condo, and bungalows in neighbourhoods that appealed were too expensive. So, we kept moving the decision forward.

Then, in late 2019, our younger son and daughter-in-law, who’d been looking for a house to buy in Toronto, told us that even with a sizeable down payment and an even more sizeable mortgage approval, they were reluctantly giving up on finding anything they could afford. They said that they were thinking about looking for something in Hamilton.

We understood their frustration about the Toronto market, but were really upset about the idea of them moving out of town with our little granddaughter. Our older son lives with his wife and three children in London England, so we knew all about the pain of dealing with distance. No matter what people say, Hamilton is not “just an hour away”, and you have to plan every visit – there’s no dropping by for a coffee or a visit to the playground.

On the way home that evening, B said, “What about buying a place together? We could divide it and both live in it.” We talked about this possibility for a few days and then casually mentioned it to J & K, who after a couple of days, said, “Yes!”

They saw, as we did, that co-owning a house could be a solution to our overlapping needs.

And then what happened?

Well, truthfully, we all freaked out a bit, and backtracked and came up with a thousand reasons why this would never work. It was a huge decision and we felt like we were charting a course in uncharted territory. Everyone’s vulnerabilities emerged and needed to be addressed.

But when we calmed down and started to talk about how it could work, it started to feel more possible. Making a commitment – even to the idea of co-ownership – built momentum.

Our first breakthrough was to acknowledge that looking for a house together would be a process with many ups and downs, disappointments, fears, worries and concerns, in short, it would be stressful!

We talked a lot. First about what kind of space we wanted – definitely two separate units, and about what we saw as non-negotiables. For B and me, no basement unit, for J & K, a place with three bedrooms. The more we talked about the details, the more comfortable we got with the idea of buying a house together.

And then we talked even more about how we would make it work. Those were sometimes difficult discussions. But we all agreed that we’d have to have clear expectations, both for buying the house, and then for living together. (More about that later). For the purchase part, we’d need to respect everyone’s perspective, and be aware of control issues, decide how to resolve any conflicts, and we’d need to ensure absolute transparency about money.

On your marks, get set....what you need to have in place for success

Being prepared is important, like it is for every journey.

The right agents
We knew that finding real estate agents with expertise and experience in co-ownership was critical. But where to look for these unicorns? We hadn’t a clue, and first talked to an agent who had an excellent reputation and is a nice person. But it was clear when we met that she really didn’t understand what we were after. Even though she said she did.

But we got lucky. Friends we’d told about our idea were at a party and overheard people talking about co-ownership – as I said, lucky. They joined the conversation and came home with Lesli’s name and number for us. One meeting with her and we all knew we’d found our agent. And then, bonus, she and Parimal became a team and we had two companions for the journey who knew the way. They were committed to finding us the home we wanted. Their encouragement and patience and their unwavering support set them apart and made all the difference.

Financial advice
Expert financial advice also is a must. You can’t go shopping until you know how much you have to spend, including how much mortgage you qualify for. You need to be absolutely clear about each party’s contributions – how much for down payment, how much for mortgage. And you need to know and budget for the related costs of buying a house. The land transfer tax is the biggest item, a substantial amount.

Legal advice
You also need ‘customized’ legal advice. Because in addition to the usual legal requirements of buying a house, you are well-advised to have a co-ownership agreement, written by a lawyer, that outlines how the co-owners will share responsibilities, split costs, manage conflict, set boundaries and manage the sale of their co-ownership interests. A co-ownership agreement is also important to address estate issues. For us, it was essential to ensure our estate was completely equitable for our older son.

Partnership protocol
Constant, honest communication is critical, between co-ownership partners, and with your agents and advisors. When you feel you’re holding back or something is getting on your nerves it’s time to talk. That can be hard to do. But it builds trust, the bottom line in this undertaking as it is in so many others. For us, it helped that we were all highly motivated to find a place together, and as family, motivated to honour our relationship.

When we first saw the listing for the house we bought together, B and I were adamant that it wouldn’t work and didn’t want to even check it out even though it met many of our requirements. We’d been looking for several months and feeling weary and at our wits end about ever finding a suitable place. J & K did go to see it, and called with a request that we give it a chance. So, we came the next day, and reader, we bought the place.

Go! You’re ready to shop

Once you start shopping, you must be ready to act because the actual buying usually happens very fast. You’ll have little time to ponder. Be prepared to compromise — aim for very good, not perfect. Try to stay calm.

And remember, there will be dragons!

Money! Thinking about buying something you can’t afford.

Impatience. Acting in haste, by overlooking an undisclosed inspection or considering a house in a contested probate. Two close calls we had.

Settling. “Okay, fine, we’ll take this one.”

Another dragon is weariness, and another is despair. “We’ll never find anything that works.”

What helped?

As above, having the right agents, expert financial and legal advice and a framework for emotional support.

If renovations are required, and for many co-owners, they will be, consulting a contractor is helpful so you know what’s possible and what it will cost. We knew we’d both have to do renovations on the house we bought to turn it into two separate units. What helped convince us to seriously consider our now house, was input from a contractor who suggested options that changed our perspective on the possibilities the house offered.

Keeping an open mind. Remember, we were initially not interested in even looking at the house we bought.

Good will between the buyers. Checking in and keeping the lines open.

Above all, honest ongoing communication.

And six years later...

For us, co-ownership is working very well!

Proximity is a powerful connector. We enjoy many wonderful spontaneous moments with our son and daughter-in-law and our grandchildren. Our granddaughter now has a little brother. We like having ‘instant’ family dinners, and being able to hang out with our son and daughter-in-law in our shared back yard, or have a chat on the driveway. We love taking the kids to school and being able to just pop in to play Foosball or see their latest Lego creations.

Since we moved in, we’ve each made major renovations in our units, with tolerance and support on both sides. And we’ve also done joint renovations on our common property with equal tolerance and support. Sharing household costs – electricity, heat/AC, taxes and utilities is a big benefit. And sharing maintenance tasks is another one.

An unforeseen benefit has been to have more contact than we’d had in years with our kids’ great friends, and their kids. A welcome extension of ‘intergenerational’ living.

Being prepared for the co-ownership journey through experience – ours and other people’s makes the journey easier. Like having a GPS or map, it’s usually helpful to have an idea of where you’re headed and some tips about things to look out for along the way.

We hope this story is helpful if you’re considering co-ownership – with family or friends or compatible strangers. We realize that it likely sounds easier than it was, but what you’re reading reflects the wisdom of hindsight. On our co-ownership journey, we were always in learning mode.

If you do choose to make this journey, bon voyage!